Be Forewarned - angsty, emotional rant ahead!!!!
I hate my poetry, but then again there isn't a lot about myself that I like anyway.
I have problems, people, simply put.
And there's a reason I block myself up mentally and emotionally.
Because I've grown up my entire gd life hearing people talk over me, talking all about how their problems are bigger than mine and that's why I have no right to share my feelings.
"Oh, you think you have problems? Well, let me tell you about what happened to me!" - Brushing me off. I have no right to speak my mind, people are so effing noisy and they talk all over you like it's some sort of contest: Whoever has worse problems gets the talking trophy. Otherwise you gotta shut up and deal with your crap. Nobody wants to hear you whine and complain. Nobody wants to hear you at all.
I was always just the girl that gave, and yeah that's great, I love helping people, but my god why couldn't I just take for once? So every time I felt upset, angry, confused - I would just hold it all in let it bubble and marinate inside of me for years. Eventually I got so used to having people shout me down, talk over me, that I just started saving them the trouble by locking it all up inside me. I am wicked good at hiding my feelings to people. I call it my street face.
Hell, when I told a guy once that I went to counseling he didn't believe me at all. I don't know why I told him. I guess it just slipped out that once. But the more I started talking into bottles (not literally) the better I got at blocking everything. I have a wall inside of me right now, an enormous stupid wall. I don't let anything out, I don't trust people, I don't let anything in. I'm not even kidding, guys, sometimes I think about trying different things that might help me loosen up, and feel better. I know the emotional blockage inside of me isn't good, but every time I think about tearing it down I freak out and get super angry.
My mom's been suggesting retreats, been suggesting lots of things that might help me learn to trust people again, and I want to go on the retreats...I do...but I can't.
Because there's this rage inside of me that bursts forward to yell at her every time she even suggests it. It feels like someone shoved coals down my throat and I'm breathing fire. Then I tuck my limbs safely back inside of me, letting my wall cover me up again. I hate letting anything out. I don't know why I'm writing it down here. I might remove this, but it's easier to talk when I write it down in words and let people read it. I can't stand being face to face with someone talking about this crap. And you know...I've just realized I've talked about a lot of things with my counselor, but there are things inside of me that I have never been able to bring myself to say aloud. I want to talk about these issues, but it's like the words just stick in my throat and I start closing in on myself, refusing to let anyone in. But that way nothing gets out either. I can't heal if I don't want to. The problem is I really don't want to. There's something familiar and comfortable about my depression. It's a sick sort of satisfaction to tear myself down, let myself descend into my subconscious. I'm ruining my mentality, but I don't want to get better. I'm afraid of getting better, because I'm afraid I'll find hope and then watch it get destroyed again.
It's insane really.
I used to have lots of good dreams - where I was flying, or something weird was happening (I have odd dreams). Lately all my dreams have ended with my screaming at someone, trying to get them to hear me. I think it's my subconscious letting me know that I feel like nobody ever listens to me - or nobody wants to. I've literally had three dreams in the past week about me shouting at someone, trying to get them to understand what I'm feeling, and in every single dream they were laughing at me, they weren't taking me seriously.
God I need help.
Welcome to my madness...Shh